Saturday night, Ronnie and I went on a real date. A REAL one. And it made me realize two things: 1. It had been a LONG time, and 2. I really needed that. REALLY needed that. Been feeling down lately. I think the pain (which thankfully, is getting better), plus the daily grind have worn me down. I've spent a lot of time over the last week analyzing what a poor job I do of caring for myself. I have this constant battle that rages inside of me. The battle between knowing and feeling. Do you know what I mean? I mean, I can know something in my head (usually the truth), but feel something completely different in my heart. Here's the scenario (my scenario): I know as a mother of four I need to take care of myself in order to take the best care of all the little people (and sometimes a big person....and maybe a person or two at church) who depend on me. I know that is true. Got it. BUT....for some reason, I FEEL that I'm not supposed to need any time to take care of me nor do I actually deserve it. Ugh. Even as I sit here and write this, I struggle with feeling that truth in my life. But....since feelings are not always an accurate reflection of the truth....I'm still faced with what I'm gonna do with me.
I am working on it. Ronnie is so supportive (which in a strange way, makes this even more frustrating) because it really means I am my own worst enemy. I've come up with some plans to allow myself some regular breaks, mostly for good stuff like going to the gym. Anywho, I'll keep you posted on my progress. I suppose whatever I figure out will soon be jolted by the schedule shift that will come with two boys in school full-time. (Will have to post another time on my feelings about T heading off to Kindergarten at the end of the month. Not ready for that.)
So getting back to Saturday night....Ronnie and I headed downtown for a very yummy Mexican dinner. Mmmmm....so good! A fabulous salad! Seriously, the best ever and an equally fabulous daiquiri. Do you know how long it's been since I had a drink? I mean, a pregnancy overlapping with nursing a babe....it's been a long time! Maybe that's why I'm so tense! Just kidding! After dinner, we had tickets to the live show of The Voice. Did anyone watch that? Ronnie and I (probably mostly me, though I know he enjoyed it too) are big fans. The live show was good, not great (they performed all the same songs from the show), but we had a great time being together just the two of us (and I might have had another cocktail there too!) Really was wonderful and filled me with that "new life" I've been so badly needing. It was fun to just be Carrie. And Carrie, Ronnie's wife. But not Carrie, someone's Mom or Carrie the counselor, which if I'm totally honest, can both be draining roles.
We get together with our small group every week and usually leave the three older ones or at least the middles home with the sitter because it gets too late for them. I guess I've been counting that as getting out/date time and it really isn't. I mean, I am getting out and I dearly love our small group. But....we're still taking E, sometimes C, and it's a different kind of life that brings to me. A good kind. Not sure how to explain....hmmm. Just a different kind and not the kind I was lacking. (Not sure any of this makes sense! Apologies!)
So to sum it all up, I feel better, physically and even more so, emotionally. And doing lots of work of me (as always!)
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