I know, it's been a long time. I started a new post a couple weeks ago and never finished it. I haven't felt much like myself since we moved....and that's okay. It's a new season, and God wants to do something new. I just haven't quite caught on yet. But in my struggling, I am confident that He is always near to me and always mindful, and always speaking. In the words of a favorite Israel Houghton song, "I Am Not Forgotten."
I just read this....
Come to Me with your gaping emptiness, knowing that in Me you are complete. As you rest quietly in My Presence, My Light within you grows brighter and brighter. Facing that emptiness inside you is simply the prelude to being filled with my fullness. Therefore, rejoice on those days when you drag yourself out of bed, feeling sluggish and inadequate. Tell yourself that this is a perfect day to depend on Me in childlike trust. If you persevere in this dependence as you go through the day, you will discover at bedtime that Joy and Peace have become your companions. You my not realize at what point they joined you on your journey, but you will feel the beautiful effects of their presence. The perfect end to such a day is doxology of gratitude. I am He from whom all blessings flow!
(From my most favorite devotional ever, Jesus Calling)
Spoke to me in so many ways. I've had a return of insomnia. Sleeping issues are not new for me, but this is a whole new level. Onslaught of health problems, constant varying levels of sickness. Medication side effects that are often worse than the illness. Missing the part of "me" that I left in Las Vegas.....my friends, my ministry, my church, my gym, my routine, my babysitters. "Me" is a little part of my life at this season (and I'm so okay with that), but it's also very important. Figuring out how to do life again in a new place after seven years in the old one, has been challenging.
But we've also had some great moments of joy.....Ronnie joining us after two months of separation, all the kids adjusting beautifully to the move, the boys running their first road race, going to Busch Gardens for the first time, living close to family for the first time since our marriage 13+ years ago.....there are many more.
And in all my lostness/emptiness, struggling to figure out how the families of those lost on Friday move forward. Babies gone. Breaks my heart. I believe that there are 20 littles sitting at Jesus's feet because of this tragedy, but how do their families go on? Life is dark. And then, a relative who was in a near fatal car accident just over a day ago....but walked away without a scratch. A guard rail, the only one around, happened to be in just the right place to protect from a 20 foot plunge. God, once again, thank you for your protection. You are everywhere, every moment. I'm not feeling very holiday-ish this year. My own struggles and others are clouding the joy. But I'm hoping I'll walk away from the holidays this year with a renewed spirit that despite all life's hardships, big and small, we....not one of us....are ever forgotten.
