We had a wonderful day today. I'm tired. Very tired. But it was a wonderful day. So many things to be grateful for this year.
Grateful for:
* Watching the kids enjoy the heck out of each other today.
* Watching Thomas play with two good arms again for the first time. (His surgery on Thursday was super smooth and successful.)
* Church on Christmas Eve (old tradition).
* Sitting around the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve night in pj's, reading the Christmas story, and deciding what we're going to give Jesus for His birthday. (New tradition and we're giving Him a goat purchased through World Vision).
* A new baby growing on the inside, but loved like he/she is already on the outside.
* Feeling hopeful this Christmas. (Read something this morning that triggered the tears, remembering how hopeless I felt last year).
* Feeling so thankful that my kids are so loved by family that they're showered with gifts; truly as an expression of that love....but also hurting on the inside for the "way too many kiddos" in the world that have nothing, let alone a stack of gifts at Christmas.
* Love. Love that truly was born on Christmas.
Hawkins Family
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Not As Planned
So this afternoon's trip to the surgeon did not go as planned. We arrived right on time to find out the doctor was running at least an hour behind. I immediately assumed it was due to him having an emergency surgery. Maybe I'm wrong; I didn't ask. But as someone who's child has benefited from this doctor and his emergency surgeries in the past, I was content to wait.
After a while, not sure how long, they called us back. The doctor's assistant told Thomas he'd be taking off the cast. Then T would get an x-ray, followed by the pin removal.
Cast off....check.
X-ray....check.
Pin 1, 2, 3....check. Assistant declares, "You're done!"
"Wait," I say, "He had four pins in there."
We both look up at the x-rays. Yep, four pins. (Moms don't forget details like that!)
From what I remember from the post-surgery discussion with the doctor, three pins is standard, but he didn't feel T's elbow was stable with the three, so he had to insert a fourth, pretty much opposite the original three.
The assistant wasn't prepared for a second wound area, so he cleaned everything up, and left for a minute to gather more supplies to retrieve that last one. When he came back in, he offered that that last pin had migrated so Thomas needed to have another x-ray to verify it's exact location.
Second x-ray....check.
Then, we waited, for quite a while. At this point, I'm thinking....OK, so this thing's really in there and he needs the doc to get it out.
Well, yes. He needs the doc to get it out. When the doctor came in, he examined T's arm and then informed us that the pin migrated so much that it's now fully enclosed in his arm. Not even a wound where it entered. The skin completely healed over it. So....only option, go back into surgery to remove it. That's where we'll be Thursday afternoon.
The doctor was very apologetic. Said it happens, but is rare. Wild. He even bends the end of the pins at a 90 degree angle after they're inserted to avoid this happening. Wild.
At the end of the appointment, I can honestly say I wasn't (and am still not) upset at all. (Well, upset for T that he has to go through surgery again, though this one won't be anything like the first. Just a tiny incision to remove the pin. They may not even fully knock him out.) Knowing what the outcome could have been had we not had such a skilled surgeon, this to me is a small complication. Aside from the pin that decided to go for a swim as we've described to Thomas, the bone looks beautiful. It's reset perfectly. The new bone has grown in perfectly. I just can't be caught up with the pin thing.
Thomas was a trooper again today. As soon as the cast was about to come off, he got scared. Think he realized his "safety net" was about to be taken away (and it was.) He does have some pain and the pin removal was more dicey than I was lead to believe, but he did amazing. He's all wrapped up again in a half-cast splint deal to keep everything protected until (the second) big day.
And we did go get frozen yogurt tonight as promised, even though he still had to eat it with his left hand. :)
After a while, not sure how long, they called us back. The doctor's assistant told Thomas he'd be taking off the cast. Then T would get an x-ray, followed by the pin removal.
Cast off....check.
X-ray....check.
Pin 1, 2, 3....check. Assistant declares, "You're done!"
"Wait," I say, "He had four pins in there."
We both look up at the x-rays. Yep, four pins. (Moms don't forget details like that!)
From what I remember from the post-surgery discussion with the doctor, three pins is standard, but he didn't feel T's elbow was stable with the three, so he had to insert a fourth, pretty much opposite the original three.
The assistant wasn't prepared for a second wound area, so he cleaned everything up, and left for a minute to gather more supplies to retrieve that last one. When he came back in, he offered that that last pin had migrated so Thomas needed to have another x-ray to verify it's exact location.
Second x-ray....check.
Then, we waited, for quite a while. At this point, I'm thinking....OK, so this thing's really in there and he needs the doc to get it out.
Well, yes. He needs the doc to get it out. When the doctor came in, he examined T's arm and then informed us that the pin migrated so much that it's now fully enclosed in his arm. Not even a wound where it entered. The skin completely healed over it. So....only option, go back into surgery to remove it. That's where we'll be Thursday afternoon.
The doctor was very apologetic. Said it happens, but is rare. Wild. He even bends the end of the pins at a 90 degree angle after they're inserted to avoid this happening. Wild.
At the end of the appointment, I can honestly say I wasn't (and am still not) upset at all. (Well, upset for T that he has to go through surgery again, though this one won't be anything like the first. Just a tiny incision to remove the pin. They may not even fully knock him out.) Knowing what the outcome could have been had we not had such a skilled surgeon, this to me is a small complication. Aside from the pin that decided to go for a swim as we've described to Thomas, the bone looks beautiful. It's reset perfectly. The new bone has grown in perfectly. I just can't be caught up with the pin thing.
Thomas was a trooper again today. As soon as the cast was about to come off, he got scared. Think he realized his "safety net" was about to be taken away (and it was.) He does have some pain and the pin removal was more dicey than I was lead to believe, but he did amazing. He's all wrapped up again in a half-cast splint deal to keep everything protected until (the second) big day.
And we did go get frozen yogurt tonight as promised, even though he still had to eat it with his left hand. :)
Cast Off....Coming Soon!
Superman's cast and pins come off and out this afternoon. He can't wait to "play with two hands!"
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Words of Promise
God has given a son to us....His name will be Wonderful Counselor, Powerful God....Prince of Peace. (Isaiah 9:6)
Every Christmas I read this reminder that came in the mail several years ago:
If our greatest need had been information, God would have sent an educator. If our greatest need had been technology, god would have sent us a scientist. If our greatest need had been money, God would have sent us an economist. But since our greatest need was forgiveness, "God Sent Us a Savior", by Roy Lessin.
Christmas cards. Punctuated promises. Phrases filled with the reason we do it all anyway.
He became like us, so we could become like Him.
Angels still sing and the star still beckons.
He loves each one of us like there was only one of us to love.
From Grace For the Moment by Max Lucado.
Just can't stop thinking about that last line. He loves each one of us like there was only one of us to love. Wow. Amazing. Wow.
Every Christmas I read this reminder that came in the mail several years ago:
If our greatest need had been information, God would have sent an educator. If our greatest need had been technology, god would have sent us a scientist. If our greatest need had been money, God would have sent us an economist. But since our greatest need was forgiveness, "God Sent Us a Savior", by Roy Lessin.
Christmas cards. Punctuated promises. Phrases filled with the reason we do it all anyway.
He became like us, so we could become like Him.
Angels still sing and the star still beckons.
He loves each one of us like there was only one of us to love.
From Grace For the Moment by Max Lucado.
Just can't stop thinking about that last line. He loves each one of us like there was only one of us to love. Wow. Amazing. Wow.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Christmas Preparations
Our first Saturday of December was a busy one. Clayton's last football game of the season was first. (I'll get some photos uploaded soon, they're on my phone since I forgot the camera.) Afterward, we headed home for showers and lunch (and a nap for Gaby) before running off to Thomas' preschool Christmas program. All the kids were dressed so sweet and sang their little hearts out. Thomas was such a trooper, singing and doing the actions with only his left arm. It was really cute!
After the program, we headed out to find the perfect Christmas tree. It was quite a chore this year, taking three stops at different lots to find the one we wanted. We did find a pretty one and the boys, especially Thomas, were all about decorating it. Here's a couple photos. I have yet to take a photo of the finished product, so you'll have to wait on that. It's lovely and especially endearing to me with lots of ornaments clustered right at four-year old height. Gaby's loving the tree, but doing a really good job with "no touch."
I've been really on top of Christmas shopping early this year and decorating, but the cards have fallen to the wayside. I finally have them finished, though they haven't arrived quite yet. Anyway, I wanted to take a photo of the kids in front of the tree this year, but it didn't work out. This was the final (and truthfully, probably the best!) attempt. They looked half-asleep or bored to death in all the others. We went with a photo from the summer. Hope to have them in your mailboxes soon!
After the program, we headed out to find the perfect Christmas tree. It was quite a chore this year, taking three stops at different lots to find the one we wanted. We did find a pretty one and the boys, especially Thomas, were all about decorating it. Here's a couple photos. I have yet to take a photo of the finished product, so you'll have to wait on that. It's lovely and especially endearing to me with lots of ornaments clustered right at four-year old height. Gaby's loving the tree, but doing a really good job with "no touch."
I've been really on top of Christmas shopping early this year and decorating, but the cards have fallen to the wayside. I finally have them finished, though they haven't arrived quite yet. Anyway, I wanted to take a photo of the kids in front of the tree this year, but it didn't work out. This was the final (and truthfully, probably the best!) attempt. They looked half-asleep or bored to death in all the others. We went with a photo from the summer. Hope to have them in your mailboxes soon!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Update on T
Today, we went back to the surgeon for a check-up. The arm is looking so, so good! They took x-rays again and everything is looking like it's in the right place and healing well and quickly. The doctor mentioned he sees a slight rotation, but he thinks it was the way the x-ray was taken and not actual rotation of the bone. We'll keep praying.
The plan is to take the cast off and remove the pins two weeks from today. Yay! He'll be back to normal just in time for Christmas! (And we've already planned to go get ice cream that day that he can hold and eat with his right hand!)
The plan is to take the cast off and remove the pins two weeks from today. Yay! He'll be back to normal just in time for Christmas! (And we've already planned to go get ice cream that day that he can hold and eat with his right hand!)
Monday, November 29, 2010
Details
So to start off, never comment on how well your children are playing together. Last Sunday night, Ronnie and I were just finishing up dinner at the kitchen table. All three of the kiddos were done and were playing so well in the living room. I remember, we commented on this. They were a little wound up, but all three were laughing and having fun.
Then, we heard the screech. Not a bloody murder-type scream, just a high-pitched screech. We went running to the living room. From the kitchen table, you can't see into the living room, but it's just around the corner. Thomas is crying pretty hard. Ronnie is embracing him and telling me his elbow is dislocated. I said, "I don't know what to do!" He told me to get on the computer and look it up. I decided to call my mom. A former nurse, she's been a wealth of information over the years, and much faster than Google! Thomas calmed down within like 30 seconds (really fast!), and we told him to keep his arm still like a statue, so we could get him to the hospital. Ronnie carried him to the truck and off they went. I wanted to be with him, but it was close to Gaby's bedtime (plus I hate bringing healthy kids to a sick ER), and I wasn't sure my emotions could handle this one. I was glad he was content and comforted by Daddy.
Thomas was triaged very quickly and Ronnie was keeping me posted by text. Needless to say, after the x-ray, we knew we had a very bad break. (You could tell things weren't in the right place after the accident, but with a long-sleeve shirt on, we couldn't tell just how bad.) When Ronnie was told not to let him have anything to eat or drink, he knew we were likely looking at a surgical situation.
Turns out the break was at the elbow end of the humerus. A clean break. From the x-ray I saw later, his arm was basically in two pieces. Truly, one of the worst breaks I've ever seen. It was also right at the growth plate, so if the arm wasn't reset just right, it wouldn't grow at all or in the wrong direction. There's also a lot of nerves and blood vessels at the elbow joint, so not something to mess with. Thankfully, he never lost feeling in his hand and was able to wiggle his fingers.
Two orthopedic surgeons at the base hospital did not feel they were qualified to do the surgery, so Thomas and Ronnie were transported by ambulance to a hospital downtown with a pediatric orthopedic surgeon. The plan was to do surgery that night. Unfortunately, the hospital didn't have any available OR space at times the surgeon was available until 11:00 the next morning. T and I spent a long night at the hospital. I slept a total of 1.5 hours on and off. But I was running on adrenaline, so I didn't really notice until about two days later.
Lots of details....Ronnie was able to join us the next morning after getting Clay to school and Gaby settled with our sitter. (Victoria, we love you and are so grateful for you! I know I tell you that all the time, but you'll truly never know how much you mean to us, especially at a time like this.) The surgeon spoke with us prior to the surgery and of course, had to tell us all the things that could go wrong. I was feeling really confident up to this point, but now I got really nervous. Only two doctors in all our area would be willing and capable of doing this surgery and he explained that you can really never put an elbow back the way God made it. Scary. To think of it growing this way or that way or him losing all feeling....scary. Of course, he said he'd do his best and we believed him and I liked that he has a 4 1/2 year old of his own. Somehow, I felt like he'd relate to T more.
The post-surgery x-ray he brought to us about an hour or so later was beautiful. His arm was in one piece and his elbow looked like an elbow again. Amazing. I was so grateful. Felt like hugging this complete stranger, but I shook his hand instead. Four metal pins inserted from the outside into the bone to hold things in place and a full-arm cast to protect--that's what we got back with our precious kiddo in the recovery room.
He was crying hard when they brought us back to see him in recovery. The first time he cried since the fall the night before. The kid is seriously tough as nails! I kind of knew that about him, but still to weather this in the way he did, it was truly most impressive.
In the days after, I was talking with my mother-in-law and she asked how I was doing. I told her I was physically and emotionally exhausted, but spiritually, very high. Does that sound weird? Truly, I'm still in awe of how God worked out every single detail of this. After Ronnie and Thomas left for the hospital, Clayton and I began praying and one of the first things I prayed for was that Thomas would be hooked up with just the right doctor. When the doctors at the base declined to do the surgery, I was grateful. They could have proceeded ahead and done it. They said they could, they just weren't the best to do it. That was just the first answered prayer, followed by many many more, leading to the magnificent healing we've witnessed so far. Within 24 hours of the surgery, he was smiling a bit, and by day two, he was pretty much his old self. A miracle to this Mama.
Some photos follow. They were all taken by cell phone. The first couple are with Ronnie's phone and the later few, with mine, which clearly does not take very good photos. Wasn't thinking to pack the camera with me for the late-night rush to the hospital. He's been a dream patient and I'm just so honored to be his Mom.
Oh, two other things....yes, he's right-handed and depending on who you ask, he either just fell off the couch from a fort he started to make or according to Clay, he jumped off. Still, you'd have thought he fell from the sky with the severity of the injury. Crazy. Oh, this ride of parenthood.
Right after the IV was put in. He never cried!
Ambulance ride!
Sleeping. Awaiting surgery Monday morning.
Sleeping. Post-surgery.
Back home. Two days after surgery. Thumbs-up was all his idea! I love it!
First left-handed meal.
Thank you, all, for your love, support, and prayers. We are grateful.
God, I'm not sure how to thank you. I'm glad you can "read" my heart. You know. I love you.
Then, we heard the screech. Not a bloody murder-type scream, just a high-pitched screech. We went running to the living room. From the kitchen table, you can't see into the living room, but it's just around the corner. Thomas is crying pretty hard. Ronnie is embracing him and telling me his elbow is dislocated. I said, "I don't know what to do!" He told me to get on the computer and look it up. I decided to call my mom. A former nurse, she's been a wealth of information over the years, and much faster than Google! Thomas calmed down within like 30 seconds (really fast!), and we told him to keep his arm still like a statue, so we could get him to the hospital. Ronnie carried him to the truck and off they went. I wanted to be with him, but it was close to Gaby's bedtime (plus I hate bringing healthy kids to a sick ER), and I wasn't sure my emotions could handle this one. I was glad he was content and comforted by Daddy.
Thomas was triaged very quickly and Ronnie was keeping me posted by text. Needless to say, after the x-ray, we knew we had a very bad break. (You could tell things weren't in the right place after the accident, but with a long-sleeve shirt on, we couldn't tell just how bad.) When Ronnie was told not to let him have anything to eat or drink, he knew we were likely looking at a surgical situation.
Turns out the break was at the elbow end of the humerus. A clean break. From the x-ray I saw later, his arm was basically in two pieces. Truly, one of the worst breaks I've ever seen. It was also right at the growth plate, so if the arm wasn't reset just right, it wouldn't grow at all or in the wrong direction. There's also a lot of nerves and blood vessels at the elbow joint, so not something to mess with. Thankfully, he never lost feeling in his hand and was able to wiggle his fingers.
Two orthopedic surgeons at the base hospital did not feel they were qualified to do the surgery, so Thomas and Ronnie were transported by ambulance to a hospital downtown with a pediatric orthopedic surgeon. The plan was to do surgery that night. Unfortunately, the hospital didn't have any available OR space at times the surgeon was available until 11:00 the next morning. T and I spent a long night at the hospital. I slept a total of 1.5 hours on and off. But I was running on adrenaline, so I didn't really notice until about two days later.
Lots of details....Ronnie was able to join us the next morning after getting Clay to school and Gaby settled with our sitter. (Victoria, we love you and are so grateful for you! I know I tell you that all the time, but you'll truly never know how much you mean to us, especially at a time like this.) The surgeon spoke with us prior to the surgery and of course, had to tell us all the things that could go wrong. I was feeling really confident up to this point, but now I got really nervous. Only two doctors in all our area would be willing and capable of doing this surgery and he explained that you can really never put an elbow back the way God made it. Scary. To think of it growing this way or that way or him losing all feeling....scary. Of course, he said he'd do his best and we believed him and I liked that he has a 4 1/2 year old of his own. Somehow, I felt like he'd relate to T more.
The post-surgery x-ray he brought to us about an hour or so later was beautiful. His arm was in one piece and his elbow looked like an elbow again. Amazing. I was so grateful. Felt like hugging this complete stranger, but I shook his hand instead. Four metal pins inserted from the outside into the bone to hold things in place and a full-arm cast to protect--that's what we got back with our precious kiddo in the recovery room.
He was crying hard when they brought us back to see him in recovery. The first time he cried since the fall the night before. The kid is seriously tough as nails! I kind of knew that about him, but still to weather this in the way he did, it was truly most impressive.
In the days after, I was talking with my mother-in-law and she asked how I was doing. I told her I was physically and emotionally exhausted, but spiritually, very high. Does that sound weird? Truly, I'm still in awe of how God worked out every single detail of this. After Ronnie and Thomas left for the hospital, Clayton and I began praying and one of the first things I prayed for was that Thomas would be hooked up with just the right doctor. When the doctors at the base declined to do the surgery, I was grateful. They could have proceeded ahead and done it. They said they could, they just weren't the best to do it. That was just the first answered prayer, followed by many many more, leading to the magnificent healing we've witnessed so far. Within 24 hours of the surgery, he was smiling a bit, and by day two, he was pretty much his old self. A miracle to this Mama.
Some photos follow. They were all taken by cell phone. The first couple are with Ronnie's phone and the later few, with mine, which clearly does not take very good photos. Wasn't thinking to pack the camera with me for the late-night rush to the hospital. He's been a dream patient and I'm just so honored to be his Mom.
Oh, two other things....yes, he's right-handed and depending on who you ask, he either just fell off the couch from a fort he started to make or according to Clay, he jumped off. Still, you'd have thought he fell from the sky with the severity of the injury. Crazy. Oh, this ride of parenthood.
Right after the IV was put in. He never cried!
Ambulance ride!
Sleeping. Awaiting surgery Monday morning.
Sleeping. Post-surgery.
Back home. Two days after surgery. Thumbs-up was all his idea! I love it!
First left-handed meal.
Thank you, all, for your love, support, and prayers. We are grateful.
God, I'm not sure how to thank you. I'm glad you can "read" my heart. You know. I love you.
How Quickly Things Change
Big update coming tomorrow. I need some sleep. Still catching up from this past week. Last Sunday night at this time, I was waiting (with nerves on edge) for Ronnie's brother to arrive to stay with Clay and Gaby so I could head over to the hospital where Thomas was to undergo emergency surgery for a critical broken humerus (upper arm bone.) What we thought was just a dislocated elbow after a fall off the couch, turned into an emergency situation with a break right at the growth plate and lots of nerves and blood vessels to be concerned with as well. My goodness.
I will tell you, just a week later, he's doing well. Very well. Healing that seems just short of miraculous. More details and some precious pictures to follow tomorrow (hopefully!)
I will tell you, just a week later, he's doing well. Very well. Healing that seems just short of miraculous. More details and some precious pictures to follow tomorrow (hopefully!)
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Thankful
Hey there, tiny unborn one. Just want you to know that I'm so thankful for you.
I love you and can't wait to meet you.
I love you and can't wait to meet you.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
On a Different Note
I decided when I began this blog that I was going to highlight our family's adventures here. I've missed some highs already and I don't usually talk about the lows. This is not an attempt to paint a picture of perfection in our household, I'm just not really comfortable putting everything out there for whomever may read this. I have chosen to talk, e-mail, call folks when I need their support and encouragement. Not right or wrong, just how I am.
But here's a confession. (The plan is that this will be therapeutic for me.) This last year, beginning in December of last year, has been the hardest of my life. And it wasn't the addition of a third child that brought this on. Gaby's arrival notched things up to an all-new level of busy, but not bad. I went through a personal devastation at the hands of someone I'm close to that sent my world spinning. I had a spiritual high during that first month, understanding things I never probably would have otherwise. (Like really getting that Jesus died to redeem us all. All the junk in our life. Nothing is beyond God. Nothing is beyond the cleansing blood of Jesus.) I knew that in my head, but don't think I'd been able to really process that in my heart. But most of the months that followed, have been the lowest for me emotionally and spiritually in my whole life. And every time I saw a glimmer of light and took one step forward, I felt like I was knocked back another 50. Not just the usual, one step forward, two back; but way, way back. Very hard, very draining. Exhausting. Frustrating. Confusing. Hard.
I've been reading a book called The Land Between. It's great and very much where I'm at and have been for the last year. I was able to sort of set my goal after reading the first couple chapters; to come out of this a better version of me. That's still my goal and I hope it always will be.
As I've gone through this, I have found myself wondering at times, am I under a spiritual attack or am I just complaining? Discontent with the pain, the disappointment, the feeling of being stuck. Am I rejecting God's will in my life by complaining? Ronnie has been a voice of reason and true love and help as I've walked through this darkness. (Like usual!) We've had some awesome conversations that have brought clarity to my head and heart. Last week, I was just beginning to see the tiniest glimmer of light. My heart felt a touch lighter. A tiny bit of relief from the heaviness. I was beginning to feel grateful; a little excited, a little bit more alive.
Then, on Saturday, I received an e-mail from a friend. This person has been a friend of mine for 15 years. This e-mail seemed to almost fall from the sky. I didn't expect this note at all. It said that I had dropped our friendship. That time and distance and busyness was no excuse for my behavior. "I just don't know what happened to you," she wrote. Wow. It really hurt. Felt like I was punched in the gut. Didn't see this coming at all. I immediately started questioning myself. Am I that person she described? I didn't feel like that person, but maybe. What about her responsibilities to the friendship? Deep down, I knew that what she said, that person she described, was not me.
Friendships do change with time and distance. Does that mean they need to end? Of course not. But I can't maintain a friendship with someone in the same way that I did in college when I didn't have a husband or children or a key role in a church ministry and the responsibilities that go with all of them. I did mess something up with her. I'm big enough to confess that and I apologized for it a while back. It appears my apology was not accepted and I don't know what else I can do.
Why tell all this? Well, that night was a crucial night for me. I think it was the culminating place where God's been leading me through all of this for the past year. He wants me to rest completely sure in my identity as a child of God. Believe what He says about me. And He says, "I am His child." (John 1:12). "I am free forever from condemnation." (Romans 8:1-2). "I can find grace and mercy in time of need." (Hebrews 4:16). "I am His workmanship." (Eph. 2:10)....To name just a very few. I am often tempted to believe what others' say about me. I'm tempted even more to believe the awful lies that Satan continually whispers to me. This is definitely an area of struggle for me. This for me, is another "head" issue. I get it intellectually, but I have a hard time transitioning it to my heart. I can even believe it about you, but I struggle to believe it for myself.
But I think that e-mail flipped a switch for me. I told her the truth in love and apologized for what I needed to. But I need not let this hurt or others inflicted upon me determine my identity. If God doesn't label me as such, then I must not let this become the reality on which I base my value. To do so, is to reject God. More specifically, it's to reject Jesus' work on the cross. He died to give me life.
The dark wilderness has been hard. HARD. But that's where God meets us to perform His greatest works. I don't think I'm out yet, but I'm pretty sure He's carrying me the distance.
But here's a confession. (The plan is that this will be therapeutic for me.) This last year, beginning in December of last year, has been the hardest of my life. And it wasn't the addition of a third child that brought this on. Gaby's arrival notched things up to an all-new level of busy, but not bad. I went through a personal devastation at the hands of someone I'm close to that sent my world spinning. I had a spiritual high during that first month, understanding things I never probably would have otherwise. (Like really getting that Jesus died to redeem us all. All the junk in our life. Nothing is beyond God. Nothing is beyond the cleansing blood of Jesus.) I knew that in my head, but don't think I'd been able to really process that in my heart. But most of the months that followed, have been the lowest for me emotionally and spiritually in my whole life. And every time I saw a glimmer of light and took one step forward, I felt like I was knocked back another 50. Not just the usual, one step forward, two back; but way, way back. Very hard, very draining. Exhausting. Frustrating. Confusing. Hard.
I've been reading a book called The Land Between. It's great and very much where I'm at and have been for the last year. I was able to sort of set my goal after reading the first couple chapters; to come out of this a better version of me. That's still my goal and I hope it always will be.
As I've gone through this, I have found myself wondering at times, am I under a spiritual attack or am I just complaining? Discontent with the pain, the disappointment, the feeling of being stuck. Am I rejecting God's will in my life by complaining? Ronnie has been a voice of reason and true love and help as I've walked through this darkness. (Like usual!) We've had some awesome conversations that have brought clarity to my head and heart. Last week, I was just beginning to see the tiniest glimmer of light. My heart felt a touch lighter. A tiny bit of relief from the heaviness. I was beginning to feel grateful; a little excited, a little bit more alive.
Then, on Saturday, I received an e-mail from a friend. This person has been a friend of mine for 15 years. This e-mail seemed to almost fall from the sky. I didn't expect this note at all. It said that I had dropped our friendship. That time and distance and busyness was no excuse for my behavior. "I just don't know what happened to you," she wrote. Wow. It really hurt. Felt like I was punched in the gut. Didn't see this coming at all. I immediately started questioning myself. Am I that person she described? I didn't feel like that person, but maybe. What about her responsibilities to the friendship? Deep down, I knew that what she said, that person she described, was not me.
Friendships do change with time and distance. Does that mean they need to end? Of course not. But I can't maintain a friendship with someone in the same way that I did in college when I didn't have a husband or children or a key role in a church ministry and the responsibilities that go with all of them. I did mess something up with her. I'm big enough to confess that and I apologized for it a while back. It appears my apology was not accepted and I don't know what else I can do.
Why tell all this? Well, that night was a crucial night for me. I think it was the culminating place where God's been leading me through all of this for the past year. He wants me to rest completely sure in my identity as a child of God. Believe what He says about me. And He says, "I am His child." (John 1:12). "I am free forever from condemnation." (Romans 8:1-2). "I can find grace and mercy in time of need." (Hebrews 4:16). "I am His workmanship." (Eph. 2:10)....To name just a very few. I am often tempted to believe what others' say about me. I'm tempted even more to believe the awful lies that Satan continually whispers to me. This is definitely an area of struggle for me. This for me, is another "head" issue. I get it intellectually, but I have a hard time transitioning it to my heart. I can even believe it about you, but I struggle to believe it for myself.
But I think that e-mail flipped a switch for me. I told her the truth in love and apologized for what I needed to. But I need not let this hurt or others inflicted upon me determine my identity. If God doesn't label me as such, then I must not let this become the reality on which I base my value. To do so, is to reject God. More specifically, it's to reject Jesus' work on the cross. He died to give me life.
The dark wilderness has been hard. HARD. But that's where God meets us to perform His greatest works. I don't think I'm out yet, but I'm pretty sure He's carrying me the distance.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
With a Grateful Heart....
I say a humble thank you to all the military men and women who serve us so sacrificially, including my husband. I thank you for your strength and courage; your wisdom and your plain hard work. I thank you for all the good you do in the world that often goes unreported, and even more often, goes unnoticed. He knows.
It's not always easy or fun being a military wife, but I am blessed and proud to "serve" in this role. Just the simple act of watching my husband and the other veterans who attend our church stand in acknowledgement on Sunday will bring tears to my eyes (like it does every year). This reminds me of how humbly proud I am.
Thanks too to all our friends who have been like family to us over the years as we've served side-by-side. It's been an honor. A hard honor at times, and other times, a whole lot of fun.
It's not always easy or fun being a military wife, but I am blessed and proud to "serve" in this role. Just the simple act of watching my husband and the other veterans who attend our church stand in acknowledgement on Sunday will bring tears to my eyes (like it does every year). This reminds me of how humbly proud I am.
Thanks too to all our friends who have been like family to us over the years as we've served side-by-side. It's been an honor. A hard honor at times, and other times, a whole lot of fun.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Harvest Fun
This time of year is full of fun activities for the kids. I love that the weather is changing! Summer seems to last forever here (well, it really kind of does!) and so a dip into the 60's and 70's is so wonderful and welcome!
I love the costumes the kids chose this year. Clayton wanted to be a cowboy. He has a great and authentic cowboy hat that his Grandpa bought him in Dallas this summer. Of course, jeans and a flannel shirt were easy too, but finding even a vest I thought would be hard. Kids don't want to be cowboys anymore. But I found this awesome set at Target that included the vest, bandanna, hat (not nearly as cool), and even a duster! He looks awesome!! Thomas wanted to be a pilot. Always a favorite choice around here! The crazy thing, Clayton wore that same costume at age 2!! And the boys (all three of them), picked out a beautiful Snow White dress for Miss Gabriella. How pretty is she?!
On Thursday, Clayton's school put on a fall carnival which we attended and last night, our church did its annual King's Faire event which is always a ton of fun (if a bit crowded.) We had a great time. Once again though, the funnel cake line was too long. Still bummed about that! Two years in a row without a funnel cake--no good!
Oh, and my costume....tired pregnant woman! Don't I look authentic?! Enjoy the cute ones!
She hated the tulle part of the dress so much on Thursday, I had to cover her bottom half with a blanket! So funny!
She'd only take the photo if she was in my lap. You can see we lost a shoe and gained a thumb in the battle!
Snacks kept her occupied while the boys enjoyed the rides and games.
I love the costumes the kids chose this year. Clayton wanted to be a cowboy. He has a great and authentic cowboy hat that his Grandpa bought him in Dallas this summer. Of course, jeans and a flannel shirt were easy too, but finding even a vest I thought would be hard. Kids don't want to be cowboys anymore. But I found this awesome set at Target that included the vest, bandanna, hat (not nearly as cool), and even a duster! He looks awesome!! Thomas wanted to be a pilot. Always a favorite choice around here! The crazy thing, Clayton wore that same costume at age 2!! And the boys (all three of them), picked out a beautiful Snow White dress for Miss Gabriella. How pretty is she?!
On Thursday, Clayton's school put on a fall carnival which we attended and last night, our church did its annual King's Faire event which is always a ton of fun (if a bit crowded.) We had a great time. Once again though, the funnel cake line was too long. Still bummed about that! Two years in a row without a funnel cake--no good!
Oh, and my costume....tired pregnant woman! Don't I look authentic?! Enjoy the cute ones!
She hated the tulle part of the dress so much on Thursday, I had to cover her bottom half with a blanket! So funny!
She'd only take the photo if she was in my lap. You can see we lost a shoe and gained a thumb in the battle!
Snacks kept her occupied while the boys enjoyed the rides and games.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Something Forgotten
I forgot to mention back with Gaby's birthday post that if you liked her adorable tutu onesie, you can get one too! My blog friend, Courtney, (also a JMU grad) makes them and other super cute, beautiful, wonderful, amazing things! I ordered three shirts for a friend's kiddos when they adopted from Ethiopia as well and we all loved them too! All of the money raised helps them bring home their two sons in Rwanda. Check out her blog at cassadas.blogspot.com.
Thanks again Courtney!!
Thanks again Courtney!!
Monday, October 25, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
The Original Weeeeee!
Ronnie found this photo last night. Same swing; almost exactly three years earlier. Ronnie had just returned from a deployment and took the boys to the park for some Daddy, son time. Thomas was 19/20 months old.
Love my little swinging kiddos!
Love my little swinging kiddos!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
1
One year ago today, I gave birth to our sweet, sweet girl. A daughter. Our first surprise at birth. I somehow knew she was a girl, but to hear it for the first time....precious. It wasn't the birth we were expecting or wanting. Our little breech darling even refused to turn with an attempted version. Pretty sure she has a mind of her own. :) Even the timing of her birth--not what was expected. With her two free-loading older brothers taking their sweet time and then some, we were convinced she'd be late as well. Well, she didn't even wait for the scheduled c-section. No, at the stroke of midnight on September 23rd, my water broke much to my great surprise. We called our friend Grace to keep the boys, I headed in for a quick shower, and off to the hospital we drove.
Things happened pretty quickly upon confirmation that my water had broken and baby was still breech. I was very nervous about the c-section. Really didn't know what to expect. The hospital staff took really good care of us, but I still remember being so nervous that my teeth were chattering as I was wheeled down to the OR.
The surgery did go pretty fast, but not as neat or easy as it looks on TV! So they take her out and she's totally quiet. I could tell by the doctor's voice, something wasn't right. Someone called out that we didn't know what we are having and the doctor said, "I'm not concerned about that right now." Scary. Still no crying. Things were very tense for a few minutes. Finally....crying. I start crying; tears of relief. How helpless you feel lying there strapped to an operating table, split open and having no idea what's going on. Ronnie didn't exactly either, though he could see some, but he did an amazing job of comforting me. And then the announcement, baby's a girl. More crying (by me!) Wow....a daughter.
I only got to see her for about 30 seconds before she was whisked off to the nursery to be examined. The cord had been wrapped around her neck twice and she was a footling breech, so feet down. Her left foot was actually pinned up against her leg when she emerged and no one knew if it was broken, deformed, etc. She's fine, perfect in fact, just took some time outside of the tight womb for it to normalize.
Almost two hours after her birth, I finally held my tiny precious daughter. It was sweet. I thought I'd be so upset and disappointed that I didn't get to hold her right after birth like the boys. But when I held her for the first time, it didn't matter at all. Everything else just faded away.
I didn't like the c-section at all, at all. But I would do it all over again for her....without a second thought. And things really get put into perspective when a nurse who assisted with the delivery told us during recovery that 30 years ago or if we lived a third world country, neither one of us would have made it. Footling breeches can be very dangerous for both mom and baby without a skilled OB team. Lest I forget, God is always present.
We had a fun little celebration this evening, just our family and our friends, Tony and Grace and their two daughters, who are practically like family. Gaby had her first bites of cheese pizza, whole milk, and cake, of course. She didn't like the feel of the frosting on her hands and cried through most of it! So funny!
So amazing that a whole year has passed. The first birthday is always very sentimental for me. I sure love this little one. What a gift you are to our family. We absolutely would not be us without you. Love you, Bug. Happy Birthday.
Things happened pretty quickly upon confirmation that my water had broken and baby was still breech. I was very nervous about the c-section. Really didn't know what to expect. The hospital staff took really good care of us, but I still remember being so nervous that my teeth were chattering as I was wheeled down to the OR.
The surgery did go pretty fast, but not as neat or easy as it looks on TV! So they take her out and she's totally quiet. I could tell by the doctor's voice, something wasn't right. Someone called out that we didn't know what we are having and the doctor said, "I'm not concerned about that right now." Scary. Still no crying. Things were very tense for a few minutes. Finally....crying. I start crying; tears of relief. How helpless you feel lying there strapped to an operating table, split open and having no idea what's going on. Ronnie didn't exactly either, though he could see some, but he did an amazing job of comforting me. And then the announcement, baby's a girl. More crying (by me!) Wow....a daughter.
I only got to see her for about 30 seconds before she was whisked off to the nursery to be examined. The cord had been wrapped around her neck twice and she was a footling breech, so feet down. Her left foot was actually pinned up against her leg when she emerged and no one knew if it was broken, deformed, etc. She's fine, perfect in fact, just took some time outside of the tight womb for it to normalize.
Almost two hours after her birth, I finally held my tiny precious daughter. It was sweet. I thought I'd be so upset and disappointed that I didn't get to hold her right after birth like the boys. But when I held her for the first time, it didn't matter at all. Everything else just faded away.
I didn't like the c-section at all, at all. But I would do it all over again for her....without a second thought. And things really get put into perspective when a nurse who assisted with the delivery told us during recovery that 30 years ago or if we lived a third world country, neither one of us would have made it. Footling breeches can be very dangerous for both mom and baby without a skilled OB team. Lest I forget, God is always present.
We had a fun little celebration this evening, just our family and our friends, Tony and Grace and their two daughters, who are practically like family. Gaby had her first bites of cheese pizza, whole milk, and cake, of course. She didn't like the feel of the frosting on her hands and cried through most of it! So funny!
So amazing that a whole year has passed. The first birthday is always very sentimental for me. I sure love this little one. What a gift you are to our family. We absolutely would not be us without you. Love you, Bug. Happy Birthday.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Photos
I finally figured out why our computer has not been letting me upload any photos only to have to delete some of my favs because they were so blurry. Bummed! Oh well. Here are a few from the past few weeks.
There will certainly be lots more coming with a certain little girl's first birthday coming up in just a few days and the boys are off in Dallas this weekend celebrating their favorite team. (Yes, the lovely and more rational girls are spending a quiet weekend at home!) I really hope and have no doubt that they're having so much fun. Ronnie's grandfather was accompanying them to the game as well and the coolest part....the boys were more excited about seeing Great-Grandpa than going to the Cowboys game. That's something special.
Clay's first day of 2nd grade.
He really wanted a photo with Gaby too. She wasn't so thrilled!
Photos of Miss Gabriella at 11 months.
Waking up! Love her stretches!
Goofballs!
There will certainly be lots more coming with a certain little girl's first birthday coming up in just a few days and the boys are off in Dallas this weekend celebrating their favorite team. (Yes, the lovely and more rational girls are spending a quiet weekend at home!) I really hope and have no doubt that they're having so much fun. Ronnie's grandfather was accompanying them to the game as well and the coolest part....the boys were more excited about seeing Great-Grandpa than going to the Cowboys game. That's something special.
Clay's first day of 2nd grade.
He really wanted a photo with Gaby too. She wasn't so thrilled!
Photos of Miss Gabriella at 11 months.
Waking up! Love her stretches!
Goofballs!
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