On a Different Note

I decided when I began this blog that I was going to highlight our family's adventures here. I've missed some highs already and I don't usually talk about the lows. This is not an attempt to paint a picture of perfection in our household, I'm just not really comfortable putting everything out there for whomever may read this. I have chosen to talk, e-mail, call folks when I need their support and encouragement. Not right or wrong, just how I am.

But here's a confession. (The plan is that this will be therapeutic for me.) This last year, beginning in December of last year, has been the hardest of my life. And it wasn't the addition of a third child that brought this on. Gaby's arrival notched things up to an all-new level of busy, but not bad. I went through a personal devastation at the hands of someone I'm close to that sent my world spinning. I had a spiritual high during that first month, understanding things I never probably would have otherwise. (Like really getting that Jesus died to redeem us all. All the junk in our life. Nothing is beyond God. Nothing is beyond the cleansing blood of Jesus.) I knew that in my head, but don't think I'd been able to really process that in my heart. But most of the months that followed, have been the lowest for me emotionally and spiritually in my whole life. And every time I saw a glimmer of light and took one step forward, I felt like I was knocked back another 50. Not just the usual, one step forward, two back; but way, way back. Very hard, very draining. Exhausting. Frustrating. Confusing. Hard.

I've been reading a book called The Land Between. It's great and very much where I'm at and have been for the last year. I was able to sort of set my goal after reading the first couple chapters; to come out of this a better version of me. That's still my goal and I hope it always will be.

As I've gone through this, I have found myself wondering at times, am I under a spiritual attack or am I just complaining? Discontent with the pain, the disappointment, the feeling of being stuck. Am I rejecting God's will in my life by complaining? Ronnie has been a voice of reason and true love and help as I've walked through this darkness. (Like usual!) We've had some awesome conversations that have brought clarity to my head and heart. Last week, I was just beginning to see the tiniest glimmer of light. My heart felt a touch lighter. A tiny bit of relief from the heaviness. I was beginning to feel grateful; a little excited, a little bit more alive.

Then, on Saturday, I received an e-mail from a friend. This person has been a friend of mine for 15 years. This e-mail seemed to almost fall from the sky. I didn't expect this note at all. It said that I had dropped our friendship. That time and distance and busyness was no excuse for my behavior. "I just don't know what happened to you," she wrote. Wow. It really hurt. Felt like I was punched in the gut. Didn't see this coming at all. I immediately started questioning myself. Am I that person she described? I didn't feel like that person, but maybe. What about her responsibilities to the friendship? Deep down, I knew that what she said, that person she described, was not me.

Friendships do change with time and distance. Does that mean they need to end? Of course not. But I can't maintain a friendship with someone in the same way that I did in college when I didn't have a husband or children or a key role in a church ministry and the responsibilities that go with all of them. I did mess something up with her. I'm big enough to confess that and I apologized for it a while back. It appears my apology was not accepted and I don't know what else I can do.

Why tell all this? Well, that night was a crucial night for me. I think it was the culminating place where God's been leading me through all of this for the past year. He wants me to rest completely sure in my identity as a child of God. Believe what He says about me. And He says, "I am His child." (John 1:12). "I am free forever from condemnation." (Romans 8:1-2). "I can find grace and mercy in time of need." (Hebrews 4:16). "I am His workmanship." (Eph. 2:10)....To name just a very few. I am often tempted to believe what others' say about me. I'm tempted even more to believe the awful lies that Satan continually whispers to me. This is definitely an area of struggle for me. This for me, is another "head" issue. I get it intellectually, but I have a hard time transitioning it to my heart. I can even believe it about you, but I struggle to believe it for myself.

But I think that e-mail flipped a switch for me. I told her the truth in love and apologized for what I needed to. But I need not let this hurt or others inflicted upon me determine my identity. If God doesn't label me as such, then I must not let this become the reality on which I base my value. To do so, is to reject God. More specifically, it's to reject Jesus' work on the cross. He died to give me life.

The dark wilderness has been hard. HARD. But that's where God meets us to perform His greatest works. I don't think I'm out yet, but I'm pretty sure He's carrying me the distance.