Often God leads us through the land we most want to avoid in order to produce the fruit we most desperately desire. (The Land Between)
Anyone relate? I do.
Hawkins Family
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Sad
Sad.
This is pretty much how I feel these last two weeks. The pain has gotten INTENSE in my wrists from the carpal tunnel. Radiates all the way up to both shoulders, though it's most intense at the wrists extending into my fingers and up to my elbows. And it's definitely in both hands now. It's been frustrating. The physical demands of life with a baby and a toddler....and two other kiddos. Just kind of effecting my quality of life. I mean, it hurts to hold my baby. That is hard. You don't realize how much you do with your hands until they hurt like crazy. I'm not sure why this is happening. I look around at all the women that have a few kids and think, "They're not falling apart. Why am I?" It's hard. Trying to figure out what God would have me learn through this.
Ronnie thinks my body is tired. Two close pregnancies. One pregnancy while still caring for a baby. He thinks I need to rest. I am tired; physically, emotionally. Think the last three months are catching up with me. Yesterday, I hurt so bad, I couldn't do anything except what absolutely had to be done. So after the kids are in bed last night, Ronnie had to make a run to the grocery store, clean up the entire day's worth of dirty dishes, and then start work on a paper for his Master's. The poor guy got like three hours of sleep, before getting up for work this morning. He's such a great caretaker. Never complained. I felt so awful for putting all of this on him.
I started physical therapy today for my knee and shoulder. Painful (always is in the beginning), but I'm hopeful that I'll get some relief in those areas. This PT thinks my miniscus is torn as did the last. MRI is scheduled for August 3rd. And I am going to get the double whammy, knee and head, done at the same appointment. Talk about feeling broken. Two MRI's? Who needs that?
We'll see. Trying to figure out that balance thing. Building health and strength, while taking it easy and resting. Seems complicated.
OK, off to rest these weary hands.
This is pretty much how I feel these last two weeks. The pain has gotten INTENSE in my wrists from the carpal tunnel. Radiates all the way up to both shoulders, though it's most intense at the wrists extending into my fingers and up to my elbows. And it's definitely in both hands now. It's been frustrating. The physical demands of life with a baby and a toddler....and two other kiddos. Just kind of effecting my quality of life. I mean, it hurts to hold my baby. That is hard. You don't realize how much you do with your hands until they hurt like crazy. I'm not sure why this is happening. I look around at all the women that have a few kids and think, "They're not falling apart. Why am I?" It's hard. Trying to figure out what God would have me learn through this.
Ronnie thinks my body is tired. Two close pregnancies. One pregnancy while still caring for a baby. He thinks I need to rest. I am tired; physically, emotionally. Think the last three months are catching up with me. Yesterday, I hurt so bad, I couldn't do anything except what absolutely had to be done. So after the kids are in bed last night, Ronnie had to make a run to the grocery store, clean up the entire day's worth of dirty dishes, and then start work on a paper for his Master's. The poor guy got like three hours of sleep, before getting up for work this morning. He's such a great caretaker. Never complained. I felt so awful for putting all of this on him.
I started physical therapy today for my knee and shoulder. Painful (always is in the beginning), but I'm hopeful that I'll get some relief in those areas. This PT thinks my miniscus is torn as did the last. MRI is scheduled for August 3rd. And I am going to get the double whammy, knee and head, done at the same appointment. Talk about feeling broken. Two MRI's? Who needs that?
We'll see. Trying to figure out that balance thing. Building health and strength, while taking it easy and resting. Seems complicated.
OK, off to rest these weary hands.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
New Name
Been thinking on this for a while, and finally decided to go with it. I like it. I think it's fun. And certainly more accurate. And it's in keeping with the sports lingo which I like since I used to be a big sports fan in my younger days (and when we lived in places that actually had teams!) I won't change the URL. Don't want to get too complicated/create too much change for everyone. And I like that it's where we began. But now, we're officially operating in this family with our Bases Loaded!
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Two Are Missing
This kiddo's missing his first tooth. Very exciting! Very unexpected. He came down from his room during quiet time to tell me his tooth had just broken.
"I pulled the top open on my water bottle and it just broke."
"No, I think it just fell out," I said after examining it, of course. "Looks like you just lost your first tooth!"
I didn't even know he had a loose tooth. Apparently, it had just been wiggling for a few days. He must have pulled that bottle top open pretty hard!
And this kiddo left with his Dad this morning for San Fran to meet up with my parents this afternoon who will take him back east. Before that, Clay and Daddy get to have a fun day together. Ronnie just texted me to say they're going to do Golden Gate, a trolley ride, and Transamerica Tower if they have time. I'm sad and missing him like crazy already. Can't really believe he's going to be gone so long. Can't really believe I let this happen. :)
At the airport.
"I pulled the top open on my water bottle and it just broke."
"No, I think it just fell out," I said after examining it, of course. "Looks like you just lost your first tooth!"
I didn't even know he had a loose tooth. Apparently, it had just been wiggling for a few days. He must have pulled that bottle top open pretty hard!
And this kiddo left with his Dad this morning for San Fran to meet up with my parents this afternoon who will take him back east. Before that, Clay and Daddy get to have a fun day together. Ronnie just texted me to say they're going to do Golden Gate, a trolley ride, and Transamerica Tower if they have time. I'm sad and missing him like crazy already. Can't really believe he's going to be gone so long. Can't really believe I let this happen. :)
At the airport.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Old
I must be getting really old. At least, I'm feeling really old. Not sure if it's just me or perhaps the four kids have driven me to this point. Nah, probably can't blame them!
So I went to the doctor on Monday. I have a couple things that needed to be followed up on. One being a brain tumor that was found just two days prior to me finding out I was pregnant with Elena. I was scheduled for a second MRI the day I got the positive pregnancy test. Needless to say, no one would touch me after that! I'm not concerned about it. I mean, it's there, could have been there for years and will probably be there for the rest of my life. This second MRI (postponed for a year now) will have contrast to give doctors a better look at it and if it hasn't changed, I'll probably just have to have an MRI like once a year for the rest of my life to make sure it doesn't change. Maybe it sounds funny that I'm not worried. I just feel that it's out of my control anyway, so we'll deal with the results as needed. God has just given me a peace about the whole thing.
Anyway, I also came out with a diagnosis of carpel tunnel syndrome. Massive joint pain, swelling, and stiffness in my right wrist. Nice. And I have horrible shoulder pain in my left shoulder, so will be starting physical therapy for that next week....along with my knee which I was in therapy for at this same time last year, diagnosed with a torn meniscus. Going to have an MRI on that too. I'm hoping they'll just flip me around and do the head and knee at the same appointment. Sporty, I say. I've been having various other joint pain too, though these are the most severe spots. Being cautious of course, so had blood work to rule out any autoimmune stuff.
In the meantime, none of this is helping me achieve my goals of losing the baby weight and getting into the "best shape of my life." Biking and swimming are probably it for me, and getting to the pool with four kids....well, let's just say it hasn't happened yet. They have childcare, but I just hate taking babies there. You just never know how they'll be cared for. Maybe I need to get over that and choose me. Hmmm.....
All I know for now is 1. I hurt....a lot, and 2. I feel OLD!
So I went to the doctor on Monday. I have a couple things that needed to be followed up on. One being a brain tumor that was found just two days prior to me finding out I was pregnant with Elena. I was scheduled for a second MRI the day I got the positive pregnancy test. Needless to say, no one would touch me after that! I'm not concerned about it. I mean, it's there, could have been there for years and will probably be there for the rest of my life. This second MRI (postponed for a year now) will have contrast to give doctors a better look at it and if it hasn't changed, I'll probably just have to have an MRI like once a year for the rest of my life to make sure it doesn't change. Maybe it sounds funny that I'm not worried. I just feel that it's out of my control anyway, so we'll deal with the results as needed. God has just given me a peace about the whole thing.
Anyway, I also came out with a diagnosis of carpel tunnel syndrome. Massive joint pain, swelling, and stiffness in my right wrist. Nice. And I have horrible shoulder pain in my left shoulder, so will be starting physical therapy for that next week....along with my knee which I was in therapy for at this same time last year, diagnosed with a torn meniscus. Going to have an MRI on that too. I'm hoping they'll just flip me around and do the head and knee at the same appointment. Sporty, I say. I've been having various other joint pain too, though these are the most severe spots. Being cautious of course, so had blood work to rule out any autoimmune stuff.
In the meantime, none of this is helping me achieve my goals of losing the baby weight and getting into the "best shape of my life." Biking and swimming are probably it for me, and getting to the pool with four kids....well, let's just say it hasn't happened yet. They have childcare, but I just hate taking babies there. You just never know how they'll be cared for. Maybe I need to get over that and choose me. Hmmm.....
All I know for now is 1. I hurt....a lot, and 2. I feel OLD!
Sunday, July 10, 2011
A Mix
I'm finding myself such a mix of emotions these days. I'm feeling more blessed than ever. I don't say that lightly either. I truly feel more blessed than I ever have in my life. Having a husband who loves me well, four children who I adore and bring me joy beyond measure (yes, some heartache and maddening moments too), everything we NEED, and a whole lot of our wants. It's striking me in a way that nearly moves me to tears. The next thought is a lot harder and it pretty much comes every time I feel this overwhelming blessing. "Why?" Why do we have so much and so MANY people have SO little. I know people ask themselves and God that all the time. But I don't mean it in any casual sense. It's really striking me to the core and I feel like I'm/we're supposed to do something about it, but I'm just not sure what yet. My heart really centers on kids. I deeply desire for all children to know the love that ours do. DEEPLY desire that. In the months before Elena was born, God was definitely opening my eyes in a very real and hard way to the way many kids are raised. Several situations happened right in front of me at the park, the grocery store, Target....where I saw parents being so ugly, hurtful, even abusive to their own children. "Why?" Why aren't all children treated with respect by their own parents? Just because they're little, they're still people made in God's own image. Who are we to be hateful to them? (Just in case you're tempted to think more highly of me than you ought, I am by NO means professing my perfection as a parent. I know I've failed my children, even in big ways at times. Nothing quite as humbling as asking your own for forgiveness.) Thankfully, we move forward in love.
Not even sure what the whole point of this point will end up being. Sort of feeling a little lost in driving a point home. I just know I feel this unfamiliar mix of emotions. So much blessing, so much sorrow at the same time. Praying God will show me what in all means and what I'm supposed to do with it for Him.
On a note closer to home, I'm a mix too. Clayton is getting ready to leave to spend a month with his grandparents on the other side of the country. Today, it finally hit me and I am having such a hard time with it. He's ready and super excited to have time with his grandparents all to himself. I am happy about that. A certain younger brother is quite good at usurping lots of attention and of course, the girls at their ages, require a lot of care and attention as well. But for the record, I have had an amazing couple weeks with my sweet Clay. He seems much more grown up at 8 than 7 suddenly. And I think some "life lessons" if you will that we drill into our kids are really taking shape in his heart and life and I'm seeing the fruit and it's BEAUTIFUL. I don't want to miss that for a whole month. I know lots of memories will be made for him this summer away from us, but man, my heart's not so sure it cares right now! :) I think it hit me in church this morning. Next week, we'll be there without him.
Thomas will join him in a couple weeks and they'll both be there together for the last part of the summer. They've done this for the last couple years. I always end up being fine, but the split is hard. They have some wonderful things with all the grandparents and my brothers planned and I do desire for those relationships to grow. I just don't want to have to miss them!
And then....my baby is going to be three months on Tuesday and my other precious girl (who seems like she should still be my baby) is coming up on two....and where is the time going? And how to do I stop it or at least slow it down? And what does this next phase of life, of growing our kids up well really look like? And really....no more babies?
My plate is full. Full of blessings. There are definitely some cracks here and there, but it's mostly intact. Just went back to serve in our counseling ministry too. I thought I'd stay out a bit longer, but my heart wasn't okay with that when I heard there are 110 people on our waiting list. So MUCH hurt. So much brokenness in our world. We are Jesus' hands and feet, yes? We are His plan A, and there is no plan B.
All this to say, in all this messiness of questions; fullness and emptiness at the same time, I think I'm finally getting it in my old age (Ha!) "It" being living life completely according to God's ways; His vision, His purpose for my life. Maybe that's how I can feel so full and so broken at the same time. Maybe He's preparing me for something I can't even imagine right now. Oh, the ride with you is truly awesome, God.
Not even sure what the whole point of this point will end up being. Sort of feeling a little lost in driving a point home. I just know I feel this unfamiliar mix of emotions. So much blessing, so much sorrow at the same time. Praying God will show me what in all means and what I'm supposed to do with it for Him.
On a note closer to home, I'm a mix too. Clayton is getting ready to leave to spend a month with his grandparents on the other side of the country. Today, it finally hit me and I am having such a hard time with it. He's ready and super excited to have time with his grandparents all to himself. I am happy about that. A certain younger brother is quite good at usurping lots of attention and of course, the girls at their ages, require a lot of care and attention as well. But for the record, I have had an amazing couple weeks with my sweet Clay. He seems much more grown up at 8 than 7 suddenly. And I think some "life lessons" if you will that we drill into our kids are really taking shape in his heart and life and I'm seeing the fruit and it's BEAUTIFUL. I don't want to miss that for a whole month. I know lots of memories will be made for him this summer away from us, but man, my heart's not so sure it cares right now! :) I think it hit me in church this morning. Next week, we'll be there without him.
Thomas will join him in a couple weeks and they'll both be there together for the last part of the summer. They've done this for the last couple years. I always end up being fine, but the split is hard. They have some wonderful things with all the grandparents and my brothers planned and I do desire for those relationships to grow. I just don't want to have to miss them!
And then....my baby is going to be three months on Tuesday and my other precious girl (who seems like she should still be my baby) is coming up on two....and where is the time going? And how to do I stop it or at least slow it down? And what does this next phase of life, of growing our kids up well really look like? And really....no more babies?
My plate is full. Full of blessings. There are definitely some cracks here and there, but it's mostly intact. Just went back to serve in our counseling ministry too. I thought I'd stay out a bit longer, but my heart wasn't okay with that when I heard there are 110 people on our waiting list. So MUCH hurt. So much brokenness in our world. We are Jesus' hands and feet, yes? We are His plan A, and there is no plan B.
All this to say, in all this messiness of questions; fullness and emptiness at the same time, I think I'm finally getting it in my old age (Ha!) "It" being living life completely according to God's ways; His vision, His purpose for my life. Maybe that's how I can feel so full and so broken at the same time. Maybe He's preparing me for something I can't even imagine right now. Oh, the ride with you is truly awesome, God.
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