A Mix

I'm finding myself such a mix of emotions these days. I'm feeling more blessed than ever. I don't say that lightly either. I truly feel more blessed than I ever have in my life. Having a husband who loves me well, four children who I adore and bring me joy beyond measure (yes, some heartache and maddening moments too), everything we NEED, and a whole lot of our wants. It's striking me in a way that nearly moves me to tears. The next thought is a lot harder and it pretty much comes every time I feel this overwhelming blessing. "Why?" Why do we have so much and so MANY people have SO little. I know people ask themselves and God that all the time. But I don't mean it in any casual sense. It's really striking me to the core and I feel like I'm/we're supposed to do something about it, but I'm just not sure what yet. My heart really centers on kids. I deeply desire for all children to know the love that ours do. DEEPLY desire that. In the months before Elena was born, God was definitely opening my eyes in a very real and hard way to the way many kids are raised. Several situations happened right in front of me at the park, the grocery store, Target....where I saw parents being so ugly, hurtful, even abusive to their own children. "Why?" Why aren't all children treated with respect by their own parents? Just because they're little, they're still people made in God's own image. Who are we to be hateful to them? (Just in case you're tempted to think more highly of me than you ought, I am by NO means professing my perfection as a parent. I know I've failed my children, even in big ways at times. Nothing quite as humbling as asking your own for forgiveness.) Thankfully, we move forward in love.

Not even sure what the whole point of this point will end up being. Sort of feeling a little lost in driving a point home. I just know I feel this unfamiliar mix of emotions. So much blessing, so much sorrow at the same time. Praying God will show me what in all means and what I'm supposed to do with it for Him.

On a note closer to home, I'm a mix too. Clayton is getting ready to leave to spend a month with his grandparents on the other side of the country. Today, it finally hit me and I am having such a hard time with it. He's ready and super excited to have time with his grandparents all to himself. I am happy about that. A certain younger brother is quite good at usurping lots of attention and of course, the girls at their ages, require a lot of care and attention as well. But for the record, I have had an amazing couple weeks with my sweet Clay. He seems much more grown up at 8 than 7 suddenly. And I think some "life lessons" if you will that we drill into our kids are really taking shape in his heart and life and I'm seeing the fruit and it's BEAUTIFUL. I don't want to miss that for a whole month. I know lots of memories will be made for him this summer away from us, but man, my heart's not so sure it cares right now! :) I think it hit me in church this morning. Next week, we'll be there without him.

Thomas will join him in a couple weeks and they'll both be there together for the last part of the summer. They've done this for the last couple years. I always end up being fine, but the split is hard. They have some wonderful things with all the grandparents and my brothers planned and I do desire for those relationships to grow. I just don't want to have to miss them!

And then....my baby is going to be three months on Tuesday and my other precious girl (who seems like she should still be my baby) is coming up on two....and where is the time going? And how to do I stop it or at least slow it down? And what does this next phase of life, of growing our kids up well really look like? And really....no more babies?

My plate is full. Full of blessings. There are definitely some cracks here and there, but it's mostly intact. Just went back to serve in our counseling ministry too. I thought I'd stay out a bit longer, but my heart wasn't okay with that when I heard there are 110 people on our waiting list. So MUCH hurt. So much brokenness in our world. We are Jesus' hands and feet, yes? We are His plan A, and there is no plan B.

All this to say, in all this messiness of questions; fullness and emptiness at the same time, I think I'm finally getting it in my old age (Ha!) "It" being living life completely according to God's ways; His vision, His purpose for my life. Maybe that's how I can feel so full and so broken at the same time. Maybe He's preparing me for something I can't even imagine right now. Oh, the ride with you is truly awesome, God.