Results

Real quick (Mama is tired!)

Got my MRI results yesterday. The brain tumor is benign. I knew it, but still....Praise God! Plan is to recheck again in two to three years unless I start having problems sooner (headaches, vision changes, dizziness, etc.) Different news on the knee. I have a tear in my hamstring--the biceps femoris (long-head) muscle (details just for those of you, Carey, who may have some wisdom for me!) Not at all what I was expecting and not sure what's to be done about it. They are sending me to an orthopedist for that one. We'll see.

Terribly grateful for all your prayers.

Health Update

I had both MRI's last Wednesday. Still awaiting results. Hope to have them by Tuesday. We'll see. My doctor here is notorious for not getting results back to me. Yeah, nice.

In more exciting news, I gave up sugar 11 days ago. As a complete sugar-junkie throughout my life, this is a big deal. I have to say, I feel SO much better. I mean, SO MUCH BETTER! Don't even want the stuff anymore. I'm not saying I'm never going to eat it again, but not like that ever again. Felt gross and lethargic and just generally quite unhealthy. And truly the best side effect, I lost six pounds in the first seven days. Now that's the stuff!

Family Photo

Our family photo taken on Mother's Day which was also Elena's dedication day at church.

Feel so incredibly blessed when I look at this photo. Love my family.

Second Time--Not Easier

My second little man left this morning. I feel heart-broken. I know that sounds dramatic, but I feel that way. Miss him SO much already. I start to cry every time I find a lizard, turtle, dinosaur, or one of his many other beloved critters around the house. The dimetrodon on my bed was the worst. Only two weeks, only two weeks....

His tears just after my millionth hug and kiss at the airport did not help either. He seemed to actually start to get sad as he was hugging Elena before getting out of the van. Then, he rebounded. Then, he started crying. Oh.My.Heart.

Thankfully, he seems to be doing better than me at this point. :)

A Breath of Fresh Air

Saturday night, Ronnie and I went on a real date. A REAL one. And it made me realize two things: 1. It had been a LONG time, and 2. I really needed that. REALLY needed that. Been feeling down lately. I think the pain (which thankfully, is getting better), plus the daily grind have worn me down. I've spent a lot of time over the last week analyzing what a poor job I do of caring for myself. I have this constant battle that rages inside of me. The battle between knowing and feeling. Do you know what I mean? I mean, I can know something in my head (usually the truth), but feel something completely different in my heart. Here's the scenario (my scenario): I know as a mother of four I need to take care of myself in order to take the best care of all the little people (and sometimes a big person....and maybe a person or two at church) who depend on me. I know that is true. Got it. BUT....for some reason, I FEEL that I'm not supposed to need any time to take care of me nor do I actually deserve it. Ugh. Even as I sit here and write this, I struggle with feeling that truth in my life. But....since feelings are not always an accurate reflection of the truth....I'm still faced with what I'm gonna do with me.

I am working on it. Ronnie is so supportive (which in a strange way, makes this even more frustrating) because it really means I am my own worst enemy. I've come up with some plans to allow myself some regular breaks, mostly for good stuff like going to the gym. Anywho, I'll keep you posted on my progress. I suppose whatever I figure out will soon be jolted by the schedule shift that will come with two boys in school full-time. (Will have to post another time on my feelings about T heading off to Kindergarten at the end of the month. Not ready for that.)

So getting back to Saturday night....Ronnie and I headed downtown for a very yummy Mexican dinner. Mmmmm....so good! A fabulous salad! Seriously, the best ever and an equally fabulous daiquiri. Do you know how long it's been since I had a drink? I mean, a pregnancy overlapping with nursing a babe....it's been a long time! Maybe that's why I'm so tense! Just kidding! After dinner, we had tickets to the live show of The Voice. Did anyone watch that? Ronnie and I (probably mostly me, though I know he enjoyed it too) are big fans. The live show was good, not great (they performed all the same songs from the show), but we had a great time being together just the two of us (and I might have had another cocktail there too!) Really was wonderful and filled me with that "new life" I've been so badly needing. It was fun to just be Carrie. And Carrie, Ronnie's wife. But not Carrie, someone's Mom or Carrie the counselor, which if I'm totally honest, can both be draining roles.

We get together with our small group every week and usually leave the three older ones or at least the middles home with the sitter because it gets too late for them. I guess I've been counting that as getting out/date time and it really isn't. I mean, I am getting out and I dearly love our small group. But....we're still taking E, sometimes C, and it's a different kind of life that brings to me. A good kind. Not sure how to explain....hmmm. Just a different kind and not the kind I was lacking. (Not sure any of this makes sense! Apologies!)

So to sum it all up, I feel better, physically and even more so, emotionally. And doing lots of work of me (as always!)

His Leading

Often God leads us through the land we most want to avoid in order to produce the fruit we most desperately desire. (The Land Between)

Anyone relate? I do.

Sad

Sad.

This is pretty much how I feel these last two weeks. The pain has gotten INTENSE in my wrists from the carpal tunnel. Radiates all the way up to both shoulders, though it's most intense at the wrists extending into my fingers and up to my elbows. And it's definitely in both hands now. It's been frustrating. The physical demands of life with a baby and a toddler....and two other kiddos. Just kind of effecting my quality of life. I mean, it hurts to hold my baby. That is hard. You don't realize how much you do with your hands until they hurt like crazy. I'm not sure why this is happening. I look around at all the women that have a few kids and think, "They're not falling apart. Why am I?" It's hard. Trying to figure out what God would have me learn through this.

Ronnie thinks my body is tired. Two close pregnancies. One pregnancy while still caring for a baby. He thinks I need to rest. I am tired; physically, emotionally. Think the last three months are catching up with me. Yesterday, I hurt so bad, I couldn't do anything except what absolutely had to be done. So after the kids are in bed last night, Ronnie had to make a run to the grocery store, clean up the entire day's worth of dirty dishes, and then start work on a paper for his Master's. The poor guy got like three hours of sleep, before getting up for work this morning. He's such a great caretaker. Never complained. I felt so awful for putting all of this on him.

I started physical therapy today for my knee and shoulder. Painful (always is in the beginning), but I'm hopeful that I'll get some relief in those areas. This PT thinks my miniscus is torn as did the last. MRI is scheduled for August 3rd. And I am going to get the double whammy, knee and head, done at the same appointment. Talk about feeling broken. Two MRI's? Who needs that?

We'll see. Trying to figure out that balance thing. Building health and strength, while taking it easy and resting. Seems complicated.

OK, off to rest these weary hands.