So Close

God,

You are SO close!  I'm in awe.  I can't believe how many times you've spoken to me SO CLEARLY recently.  I feel like in a lot of ways, I'm walking through a desert time right now.  Life has been tough and my safety net removed since our move.  You've even let me be physically alone much of the past four months (well, physically alone from adult companionship).  (Isn't it funny how you can feel lonely even when you're never alone?!)

I don't think most people get where I'm at right now.  Where I feel like you've put me.  That's ok.  I so clearly sense YOU in my desert and I don't feel like you've left me here to wander.  And I so clearly, sense a PURPOSE for this time too.  A great and mighty purpose.  That burden that I've been carrying around....it's becoming more clearly defined and I believe, with all my heart, that my "desert" is a time of preparation and strengthening for the "next assignment" (and I don't mean, military assignment).

Here's where You got me today.  "Let Me bless you with My grace and Peace.  Open your heart and mind to receive all that I have for you.  Do not be ashamed of your emptiness.  Instead, view it as the optimal condition for being filled with My Peace.....Little by little, I will transform your weaknesses into strengths."  (From Jesus Calling by Sarah Young)

You always meet me in this book.  Almost audibly.  Man....I'm in awe.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

My prayer is that I continue to stay close to you.  I know we need fellowship, but sometimes, I think you take the fellowship of others away, so we can see straight to You.  Cling to You.  I'm clinging and You're receiving me and when everything else is stripped away, that's all that truly matters.

Love you so.

Here I Am

I know, it's been a long time.  I started a new post a couple weeks ago and never finished it.  I haven't felt much like myself since we moved....and that's okay.  It's a new season, and God wants to do something new.  I just haven't quite caught on yet.  But in my struggling, I am confident that He is always near to me and   always mindful, and always speaking.  In the words of a favorite Israel Houghton song, "I Am Not Forgotten."

I just read this....
Come to Me with your gaping emptiness, knowing that in Me you are complete.  As you rest quietly in My Presence, My Light within you grows brighter and brighter.  Facing that emptiness inside you is simply the prelude to being filled with my fullness.  Therefore, rejoice on those days when you drag yourself out of bed, feeling sluggish and inadequate.  Tell yourself that this is a perfect day to depend on Me in childlike trust.  If you persevere in this dependence as you go through the day, you will discover at bedtime that Joy and Peace have become your companions.  You my not realize at what point they joined you on your journey, but you will feel the beautiful effects of their presence.  The perfect end to such a day is doxology of gratitude.  I am He from whom all blessings flow!
(From my most favorite devotional ever, Jesus Calling)

Spoke to me in so many ways.  I've had a return of insomnia.  Sleeping issues are not new for me, but this is a whole new level.  Onslaught of health problems, constant varying levels of sickness.  Medication side effects that are often worse than the illness.  Missing the part of "me" that I left in Las Vegas.....my friends, my ministry, my church, my gym, my routine, my babysitters.  "Me" is a little part of my life at this season (and I'm so okay with that), but it's also very important.  Figuring out how to do life again in a new place after seven years in the old one, has been challenging.

But we've also had some great moments of joy.....Ronnie joining us after two months of separation, all the kids adjusting beautifully to the move, the boys running their first road race, going to Busch Gardens for the first time, living close to family for the first time since our marriage 13+ years ago.....there are many more.

And in all my lostness/emptiness, struggling to figure out how the families of those lost on Friday move forward.  Babies gone.  Breaks my heart.  I believe that there are 20 littles sitting at Jesus's feet because of this tragedy, but how do their families go on?  Life is dark.  And then, a relative who was in a near fatal car accident just over a day ago....but walked away without a scratch.  A guard rail, the only one around, happened to be in just the right place to protect from a 20 foot plunge.  God, once again, thank you for your protection.  You are everywhere, every moment.  I'm not feeling very holiday-ish this year.  My own struggles and others are clouding the joy.  But I'm hoping I'll walk away from the holidays this year with a renewed spirit that despite all life's hardships, big and small, we....not one of us....are ever forgotten.

Heart Treasure

A treasure for my heart for always....Clayton telling me yesterday (after a very difficult bus ride home)....and my ensuing action to protect one of my cubs...."Mom, I didn't know you were so brave."

My lesson....sometimes just doing the right thing, shows them bravery.  And makes them feel incredibly loved.

I often doubt myself.  Think we all probably do.  But sometimes, I do get it right.  And for those moments, even if they're few and far between, I am so grateful.  To be the Mom they need, at that critical moment....to get it right, at the right moment....on my knees, grateful.

Otters

I took the kids to the zoo today.  A zoo.  Funny.  Zoos are kind of a novel concept to my crew of desert dwellers.  The only zoo they've ever been to was the San Diego Zoo....yeah, like a six hour drive from Vegas....and they were each so young the two different times we were there, they don't really remember anything.  So this was kind of like their maiden voyage into zoo-ville.  It was fun!

These otters were my favorite.

:)

Spiritual Food

My beauty-full friend, Carey, sent this to me last week.  Rich encouragement.  Read it and then read it again.

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/09/dear-you-a-letter-for-the-hard-days/

And if you read it after you do really hard things, it gently pats you on the back and says, "It's okay."

I just needed that.

3

Three year old in the house!  We had a relaxed day celebrating her.  We didn't really do any birthday activities until after naps.  First, we opened presents.  Most of the photos are blurry, but here she is with her big gift.  (Yes, it's the same thing we got for Elena for her first birthday, but a larger size.  Gaby has loved Elena's chair for the last five months.  Finally....her own....and in PINK!)

A pink hooded towel.

As we've talked about her upcoming birthday the past few weeks, this was her only request....a pink cake with pink frosting, and pink flowers....and pink ice cream to go with it.  Do you see a theme?  Here's my creation.  I even found some pink sparkly sprinkles to go with it!  Truthfully, it was probably my most favorite cake I've ever done.  Her request was so specific, but easy, that I was pretty sure she'd be thrilled with the result.  She didn't disappoint.  

My favorite line of the day....after we showed her the cake for the first time and she loved it and went back and forth between the kitchen and family room a few times, talking about how pink it was....she asked, "Where's my spoon?"  No need to cut it, just give her a spoon!  (We cut it. :) 

And my favorite picture of the day....this one.  I asked her if I could take a picture of her in her new Hello Kitty pj's, sitting in her new chair.  I got this.  The three fingers was all her.  Oh my heart.  Do you see how she made three?  Not sure I've seen anything cuter.

Well, maybe just her.

Love you, love you, love you my big girl.

Pressing Onward and Upward

From Friday....

After the last seven days of UGH, I was NERVOUS heading into the weekend this morning.  God gave me this, "And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with.... you forever--the spirit of truth.  The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you.  I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."  John 14: 16-18.

I read those words, "But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you," like it was a totally new concept for me.  What?  Why is it so hard for His truth to reach us?  Am I that stubborn?  Is it this hard for everyone?  I'm fully aware that I am merely a sinner saved by grace, but this is like so crucial....to always be mindful that the Holy Spirit resides in me.  I am not alone.  I am NOT doing this alone.  Why did I think I was alone?  Why was I trying to do all this alone?

So after being reminded that I have a very real and present helper, we (magically) had a much better day.  Got the boys off to school.  Sidebar....I'm still in disbelief  at how easy it is to get them to and from school everyday.  This is the first time in six years, since Clayton started preschool, that I haven't had to wake someone, keep someone up, drive all over kingdom come, often three times a day, to get someone(s) to and from school.  It is SO nice.  Amazing really.

We did (what seems to be) Chick Fil A Friday.  I let them (the boys) pick where they want to get dinner from on Friday nights.  Two for two....Chick Fil A!  I'm not complaining!  Seven years without it is a long time! :)  They played at the play place (I confess, I hate all fast food play areas), then we drove out to the base just to make sure we could find it (and I didn't feel like going back home yet), and then I accidentally took a wrong turn and we just happened to end up next to a Sonic, so maybe root beer floats were consumed. :)

Clay seemed surprised that we had fun when we got home.  He has such a hard time away from Ronnie.  I think sometimes he thinks/feels that there's no way we can have fun without him.  Maybe he even thinks he's not supposed to??  We've had a lot of good conversations about his feelings, his prayers....lots of spiritual development stuff here....we're working through it all.  Truly blessed to guide him through all this, but I confess, it's exhausting at times.

And today, Sunday, we were able to watch our church service online LIVE from our church in Vegas.  They just started streaming yesterday and it so blessed me to "be there" this morning.  We tried a church last weekend that was a great fit for the kids, not me, and haven't decided where to turn next.  I know we need to find a church home here, but it really blessed me and met me where I'm at to be able to worship "at home" today.  I love that church.  Always feels like being at home, even if it's from 2500 miles away.  And Pastor Kevin just happened to be teaching on perseverance and cultivating joy.  Clayton and I were listening real close.